


When You Were Young

by SpookyMiscreant



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew's thoughts about Neil right after Easthaven, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Set to the background music of When You Were Young by The Killers, Sober Andrew contemplates Neil Josten
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-11 14:55:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10467642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpookyMiscreant/pseuds/SpookyMiscreant
Summary: It starts when the monsters pick up Andrew from Easthaven.Andrew sits on the roof of Fox Tower and contemplates Neil Josten now that he's sober.Set to the background music of When You Were Young by The Killers.





	

He had anticipated his cousin and brother’s fearful gazes. He had not anticipated Neil and Kevin to look like they did. He’d caught the tail end of the longest bit of French Kevin had ever bothered to say to the other striker. They were leaned towards each other on a couch that had plenty of space. If Andrew had not seen the blue of Neil’s eyes and smelled the chemicals on him after he’d freshly dyed his hair he would not have recognized the bandaged wreck that was left of Neil. Kevin’s entire body screamed fear and anxiety while Neil’s expression didn’t seem as flighty as usual, his eyes locked entirely on Kevin with a hint of discomfort in them. Kevin looked pale, guilty, and every bit of the coward Andrew knew him to be. Neil looked oddly present, centered, and unafraid, which did not make sense to Andrew. He was tired of looking at them. It was time to leave this building, forever. He didn’t have the capacity to care about what happened to Neil and why his wrists specifically were tender. Neil was a runner and it wasn’t Andrew’s fault he hadn’t ran fast enough.

**_You sit there in your heartache_ **

**_Waiting on some beautiful boy to_ **

**_To save you from your old ways_ **

**_You play forgiveness_ **

**_Watch it now, here he comes_ **

Andrew wasn’t angry, but he wasn’t empty either. There was a heat spreading through his chest and arms. He didn’t know what it meant. He had no way of knowing if he was angry at Neil, himself, or Riko. He understood why Riko did what he did, two birds one stone and what not. Why break one guard when he could break both, keeping the Foxes out of the finals and taking Kevin when he had no defense. It was a smart move, though he had wrongly assumed he could break Neil and that Andrew could be broken at all. Andrew sat on the ledge of the building replaying what he knew of Neil and trying to reconcile it with what the rabbit had just said. Neil Josten was not Neil Josten. He was a runner with ~~brown~~ auburn hair, dimmed by the sheen of sweat permanently attached to the injured man, and ~~brown~~ blue eyes that showed honesty where Andrew had expected lies.

_“I came back.”_

_“I kept my end of the deal.”_

_“Who’s watching yours?”_

_“If it means losing you, then no.”_

Neil’s words bounced around his brain slamming against the predefined images of Neil’s character.

 “I came back.” making an obnoxious **CLANG** as it slammed into  “Rabbit”.

“I kept my end of the deal.” Beating itself as bloody as Neil’s body had been over Christmas against “Liar”. 

“Who’s watching yours?” cracking “Emotionally removed” with the strength of its hits.

 “If it means losing you, then no” shattering “Would drop everyone and everything to save himself.” with a reverberating **SLAM**.

_“I wish someone could love me.” Andrew, age seven, whispered as a star shot across the night sky. His voice was a hoarse whisper from the hour of screaming please over and over again, the sound of it escaping into the night air around him startlingly different than the childish tenor he was used to sounding like. He was laying on the pavement outside his “father’s” house, the cold temperature of the ground soothing to the ache in his back._

**_He doesn't look a thing like Jesus_ **

**_But he talks like a gentlemen_ **

**_Like you imagined_ **

**_When you were young_ **

Andrew shook the memory from his mind and lit another cigarette. His mind turned to the high daze that he’d lived for the past year or so. His mind flowed through the memories up to the moment he met the conundrum that is Neil Josten. The satisfying vibration that raced up his numb arms when the racquet connected with his stomach. Fast forward to the barely sober drive from the airport where Andrew first glimpsed the vicious wit behind Neil’s quiet exterior. Then to Neil facing off against Kevin with a fire in his eyes so consuming it took all of Andrew’s self-control not to laugh. It was the biggest sign that quiet, flighty Neil Josten was a lie; especially since he’d noticed Andrew’s invasion and had managed to break into their room as well. Then to Eden’s when he’d paid a stranger to knock him out rather than let a secret slip. The next morning when he’d hitchhiked the entire way back to campus and was still standing with that fire in his eyes. To that shady reporter’s TV show, this particular memory was one of Andrew’s favorites, Neil’s fire raged in his eyes and spewed from his lips as if he was prepared to burn the word down if it meant he’d at least burn Riko. That was when Neil Josten had went from interesting to a potential problem. Finally Andrew’s mind made its way to the faux Thanksgiving dinner at the Hemmick’s. Neil had escalated to a problem when he wrapped a bloody sheet around Andrew’s shaking body and was careful to only touch where needed and kept his fingers empty of pressure and weight. Andrew didn’t have the memories of the aftermath of Drake’s death but he knew Neil Josten had chosen to stay and protect. He knew Neil’s oddly detached approach to most traumatizing events had saved the three people Andrew cared enough about to keep.

**_Can we climb this mountain? I don't know_ **

**_Higher now than ever before_ **

**_I know we can make it if we take it slow_ **

**_Let's take it easy_ **

**_Easy now, watch it go_ **

**_We're burning down the highway skyline_ **

**_On the back of a hurricane that started turning_ **

**_When you were young_ **

**_When you were young_ **

_“I wish someone could protect me.” Andrew, age eleven, quietly sighed. He had spent the past half hour fighting the older boys to get the last plate of food. He’d won, but as he went to sit in a nearby corner to eat it he spied Jonathan the newest and youngest boy in the boy’s home Andrew was currently stationed in. Jonathan had yet to try to fight the older boys for his meals and was now so thin he looked closer to Andrew’s age than his actual age of five. Andrew saw the hopeless fear in Jonathan’s eyes every time one of the other boys came near him. Andrew saw the bruises all over him from fights the boy definitely did not start or participate in. Andrew watched the younger boy until Jonathan finally made eye contact from his spot under the table. Before he could look away Andrew motioned for him to sit next to him and tossed his roll at the boy to prove his trustworthiness. Jonathan immediately started to quietly cry when he caught the roll, and continued to do so as he crawled over to Andrew’s corner and started to eat it. Andrew didn’t comfort him, Jonathan needed to get used to not being comforted and if Andrew was the one to teach him that then he was lucky. Andrew ended up spending the rest of his time in the boys’ home subtly looking after Jonathan and the other boys too young to defend themselves but too old for the adults to pay attention to. He spent his days brawling and his nights watching over his burdens, silently wishing he had someone to watch out for him._

**_And sometimes you close your eyes_ **

**_And see the place where you used to live_ **

**_When you were young_ **

Andrew forcefully pushed the memory away. He wasn’t that weak little boy anymore. He didn’t protect for nothing anymore. He might never be able to stop the sharp tug he feels when he sees someone in pain but he definitely doesn’t act on it anymore. He made his deal with Aaron because he was alone and didn’t want to be anymore, he would’ve promised anything to get Aaron to love him. He has grown out of that desperate mindset. Aaron and Nicky will never love him and he doesn’t want them to. He had almost broken himself for the last person who dared utter those words and he was never going to give anyone that power over him again.

For some reason his mind went from the days full of the fear of being abandoned again to Neil Josten saying “I came back.”, and the unwavering determination in his eyes. Neil’s eyes were so god damn breathtaking it was unreal. Andrew had been hoping that when the drugs left his system he’d stop finding his mind zoning in on the emotions that pours from his irises. The only thing that had changed was they no longer glowed like a cat’s eyes and were no longer guarded. Andrew wasn’t sure if the emptiness inside of him could handle the depths of Neil’s blue blue eyes and the never ending fire that burned there. Andrew was in no position to be thinking about feelings and emotions. His thoughts turned to the possessive claim Riko had made that proclaimed, be mine or be nothing. He knew Riko thought he’d given Neil and ultimatum, be my bitch and I’ll make the bad people go away. He also knew Neil was done hiding from whoever was hunting him and would never go to Riko for himself. He’d proven in when he’d refused Riko until the asshole had threatened one of the foxes. Andrew wasn’t going to delude himself by thinking Neil had gone specifically for him, it was much more likely that he went out of a sense of comradery. Yet here he was smoking his fifth cigarette and thinking about Neil’s bruised knuckles and shaking hands. Yet here he was thinking about the scars he’d felt on Neil’s torso, and the tight knots of muscle he’d felt beneath them. Yet he was thinking about how nice Neil’s natural hair color would look when the sun set it ablaze to match that intoxicating fire that roared in his ice blue eyes. Andrew would never let himself fall again. But maybe he could see if Neil would let him kiss his perfectly sculpted lips. It wouldn’t mean anything if Neil did let Andrew indulge himself a little. Andrew wouldn’t let it mean anything, but toeing the line might be fun.

**_They say the devil's water - it ain't so sweet_ **

**_You don't have to drink right now_ **

**_But you can dip your feet_ **

**_Every once in a little while_ **

****

**_You sit there in your heartache_ **

**_Waiting on some beautiful boy to_ **

**_To save your from your old ways_ **

**_You play forgiveness_ **

**_Watch it now, here he comes_ **

****

**_He doesn't look a thing like Jesus_ **

**_But he talks like a gentlemen_ **

**_Like you imagined_ **

**_When you were young_ **

****

**_When you were young_ **

**_I said he doesn't look a thing like Jesus_ **

**_He doesn't look a thing like Jesus_ **

**_But more than you'll ever know_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed it!
> 
> I own nothing. Nora's characters and setting. The Killers' song.


End file.
